Kitchen B*tch

I am special (but I didn’t intend for this type of special…)

It’s Monday. The myriad of doctor’s appointment continue, and honestly, it’s got the Kitchen B*tch down. Now, I know what you are thinking, but Kitchen B*tch, you said you know what’s wrong. That is true. I did (however briefly) say that I have an idea, but getting doctors to go along with my unlicensed opinion is a completely different story. Though, I do already have one doctor on board and helping; it’s now up to the other one to jump on board. And then hope that I was right all along.

That’s something I’m seriously lacking right now: hope.

Oh and sugar.

But while it’s comforting to know I (may) have something that is completely treatable, can be rectified by a changing of medication and diet, it’s the whole diet aspect that has me terribly down. Among other things, but that’s another story.

In the research I’ve done, I’ve found that with the conditions I have, I have to avoid all starches, sugars, and dairy. Alright, now this is just my research, and again it has not been confirmed by my doctor; however, since I am being treated for these conditions, it’s natural to assume that I need to avoid these products that have been proven to aggravate said conditions. So I tried it as best as I can this weekend.

I failed miserably.

Okay, first, it is not fair to make me give all this stuff up the weekend of St. Patrick’s Day. I mean, bangers and mash. BANGERS AND MASH!!!! Oh and then the whiskey? Seriously! Yeah, dinner was a failure (though gluten-free, as confirmed by our fantastic bartender, who took care us, because he is just that freaking awesome. Big shout out to you, Kris!). That morning I had already chowed on potatoes at breakfast; now I’m noshing on mash, chugging my Jack and Mr. Pibb. The brilliance of my decisions is astounding.

Yes, I love myself ssssssoooooooo much that I am willing to shove everything that is bad for me into my body, and laugh while doing so.

I’m an idiot.

Okay Sunday, I’ll do better. I can do this. 

Sunday morning, oh, can’t live without my coffee, and I have to have sugar, and my creamer. Okay, that’s all I’ll have today. Oh, I feel like making scones. But I’ll use my gluten-free flour, even though it is nothing but potato and bean flour, which are fermentable carbohydrates, and convert to sugar in the gut, and will provide a lovely acidic breeding ground for bacteria, but it’ll be okay, because it’s gluten-free. Oh scones didn’t turn out—I know, let’s make muffins, with the same potato and bean flour, oh and 2 cups of brown sugar, and milk. And we won’t even talk about dinner.

Then my mother asks me what about Easter. She tells me the menu she was planning, and all I could eat (possibly…I haven’t gone on Honey-Baked Ham’s website yet to look at the nutritional information) would be the ham. I’m going to starve.

Shit. I hate my life.

Okay, Monday, I’ll do better….I know I can…oh hello Dr. Pepper. Damn.

The worst part, the absolute worst part is how much this affects my baking. I am like the queen of sweets. I thrive on making desserts. I am known for my cupcakes and I can’t enjoy them anymore. I don’t even want to make anything anymore, because I just can’t. There’s no fun in making baked goods when I can’t even try them myself.

Don’t get me wrong. I am appreciative that I have manageable conditions, which don’t disrupt my life too badly. It just ruins my passion for cooking and baking, because I am so limited. I feel so alive in the kitchen, and now it’s dampened because of all these food restrictions. There are items I can use, and I did just get a new cookbook that focuses on sugar- and gluten-free recipes, so I’m not completely out of the kitchen just yet.

And honestly I should not be so concerned about this. Things could always be worse, but I just think about the fact that I now have a special diet I have to follow, which means people will have to conform to it, or I just won’t be able to join my friends out and such. I hate that. I hate realizing I can’t just meet my friends for dinner somewhere. I have to actually research places and find out what places will have something I can eat. More restaurants are including dishes that I can eat, but still. I can’t even enjoy Starbucks anymore. No more caramel macchiatos!

My life is over.

Anyway, I’m lamenting the fact that the Kitchen B*tch is now challenged, and special (again, not the special I intended. I meant the earth-rocking, unforgettable, can’t-live-without type of special…), and yes…sad. Very sad. I am not sure I am capable of this feat. I don’t know if I can do it.

Give me strength. Please just give me strength…

Well tomorrow’s another day, and maybe the Kitchen B*tch will have a renewed sense of hope. But right now, she’s ready to surrender. Too much has gone on in the last six months or so, and I just have lost all hope. I’m emotionally bankrupt. But there’s always tomorrow.

Here’s looking at you, Tuesday….

Can you smell what the Kitchen B*tch is cooking???

Breakfast quiche and warm apple compote

Well, I’m back on the paleo-gluten free diet, because—um—I really have to. It’s a matter of health. Basically, I have two chronic conditions: SIBO and IBS (one feeds the other, so to speak). However, I believe I am one of the lucky ones who may actually have been taking a medication that fostered these conditions and just about put me in the hospital (still trying to properly determine this aspect, but I’m fairly convinced that this is indeed the culprit). I won’t go into details, but needless to say, with the two chronic conditions, I now have to REALLY change my diet.

Sigh….I must submit to the paleo way.

Because of the SIBO, I have to avoid starches and sugars to avoid creating a healthy environment for bacteria. Lovely.

Did you hear that loud cracking sound? That was my heart breaking in half.

I’m not exactly sure what this all entails. I’m hoping to have a better idea within the next week, but now that I know what is going on (to a degree) and I’m off the medication, within three days, I am feeling better. I’m even cooking again, which for anyone who truly knows me knows that when I’m happy, I’m in the kitchen, cooking.

This morning I made breakfast quiches, which I just made with items in the fridge. Basically, I greased a muffin pan with olive oil, heated the oven to 350 degrees, lined the pan with a small level of hash browns. I baked the hash browns for about 20-25 minutes. Then I mixed 12 eggs, about a 1/2 cup of heavy cream, onions, green pepper and Gorgonzola cheese. I filled the pans with hash browns with the egg mixture and then basked for 25 minutes. I also cut up two Fiji apples, threw a tablespoon of butter, some honey, and apple pie spice into a pan with the apples and warmed it up.

Okay, I just realized how completely wrong this was for me. UGH!! I have breakfast quiches, if anyone wants some leftovers….

Despite the loss of starches and sugars, I am just happy. I am happy that I feel better. I am happy that I am cooking again. I am happy that I am me again. Of course, this means that me being me again could mean trouble for some.

Just saying…

But it also means that I can start running again. There’s some 5Ks coming up. Oh and kickball starts next week. I’ve got to be in top shape!! In fact, I think I’ll go for a run right now. Well, more like a walk.

Cloudy, with a chance of hiatus…

Okay, well I thought I was over the weather, but it would seem weather patterns have changed. Unfortunately I am having to deal with some issues currently, which keeps me out of the kitchen (if you only knew how much this infuriates me), so I really have nothing to write about just now. I did however meet a great guy who is a trained chef who agreed to train me in his spare time, so that should bring all kinds of interesting blog posts in the near future. We have a trip to the Farmer’s Market planned in the next few weeks, so I’ll be sure to get lots of pictures. Plus I have cooking lessons to take (soon hopefully), in to which I am anxious to get elbow deep. But for now, I have to deal with this storm front. I hope to be back online soon.

I hope…

Munchies for the Mornings

Well after two very trying weeks, I’m back on my gluten-free diet. While there is evidence that something is indeed wrong with my gut, it really doesn’t matter what the doctor tells me—I simply cannot and will not eat gluten. This fact can make life more challenging, such as the fact that the work meetings I regularly attend are always catered by Chic-fil-a (they fry in peanut oil, allergic to peanuts; the biscuits and bread are made with gluten, etc), and I have to be more careful, but in reality, with a few great web sites and a little research, one can in fact exist in the real world without suffering gut-wrenching pain and agony.

Which brings me to my latest meals. Betty Crocker has a line of gluten-free baked goods, which I just had to try the brownies, because, despite the fact I’m not that crazy about chocolate, I love me some brownies.

I could tell no difference with these brownies, though I left them in a few minutes too long, so they were a bit crumbly. Admittedly, they did tend to dry out even in tupperware, but I will make these in a heartbeat. They are really good, warmed in the microwave, with a cup of coffee, first thing in the morning.

I was hit with the desire to make muffins the other evening, because I was finding it difficult to eat first thing in the morning. Unfortunately, I am one of those that if I don’t eat properly first thing in the morning, I will be ill the rest of the day. It has gotten to the point of gnawing on deli slices to make sure I get gluten-free, but protein packed nourishment. Hence, my desire to find munchies for the morning.

I found this recipe for muffins on Celiac.com:

1-2/3 cups gluten free flour blend
1-1/3 cups granulated sugar
1 tablespoon gluten-free pumpkin pie spice
¾ teaspoon baking soda
¼ teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon xanthan gum
1-1/3 eggs, slightly beaten (beat 2 eggs in a measuring cup; throw away 1/3 of it)
2/3 cup canned pumpkin puree (not pumpkin pie filling)
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1/3 cup milk
1 large apple, peeled, cored, and chopped ¼ (about 1-1/3 cup)

Preheat to 350F. Insert liners in 12 muffin cups. Combine flour, sugar, and next 4 ingredients in a large bowl. Fluff with a fork until well blended. In a smaller bowl, combine egg, pumpkin, oil, and milk. Add pumpkin mixture to flour mixture and mix with a fork just until uniformly moistened. Fold in apple and divide into muffin cups. Add streusel topping, below.

Streusel Topping
1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon gluten free baking flour
2 tablespoons plus 2 teaspoon granulated sugar
¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon
2 ¾ teaspoon cold butter, cut into pieces

Combine in small bowl or the bowl of a mini food processor. Cut in the butter using two knives in a crossing motion or pulse in mini processor until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Sprinkle topping evenly over muffin batter.

Bake in preheated oven for 25-30 minutes (test with a toothpick every 2 minutes starting at 23). Cool for 5 minutes in the pan, then turn out.

Here’s the result:

Pumpkin apple muffin and Healthwise low acid French Vanilla coffee. I brought a sample of the muffins into the office the other day and the resulting muffin extremist stand-off almost ruined the day, but a muffin compromise was reached, and the office alliance has been renewed—however shaky it may be.

It is nice that my baked goods can create such dissonance and friendly fire within the office suite. I guess I am doing something right.

Admittedly, the first batch I made had too much butter in the streusel, so it created this very sweet and awesome gooey center. However, the second batch I made had a much better streusel topping, not as pumpkin-y a flavor (I didn’t really have enough pumpkin to get that proper taste I was looking for), but they were delicious, both batches.

This morning, I woke to a huge craving for pancakes. Pancakes! A staple of the breakfast menu, but gluten…ugh. However, Bob’s Red Mill makes a plethora of flours and mixes for us challenged eaters. So I pulled out the pancake mix and got to cooking.

Again, my Healthwise coffee, a stack of gluten-free pancakes (with only a bit of butter), crispy bacon and a warm apple compote. Now the mix (as many of the gluten-free items are) creates a thicker, denser pancake, so you will need something to add moisture (hence the compote). I was trying to avoid adding more sugar with a syrup, and wanted something a bit healthier, so I went with a compote, and lightly sauteed them in 1/2 teaspoon of butter, a tablespoon of brown sugar (here’s the syrup/sugar you might want) and cinnamon to taste (which for me is close to a tablespoon or more, because I really love cinnamon). About five minutes on medium heat (until the apples sweat and create a natural syrup), and you have a compote of sorts.

I wish I had made grits to go with this, but I feared that would be too much starch, but that bacon needed some buttery goodness like grits.

My friend Amanda sent me a buy on Living Social for a company called Gluten Freely. I have the site bookmarked now, but as I get further into this gluten-free journey, there does seem to be an answer for everything. Which now brings me to the finale, as I need to get to the store and buy more food. I have recipes to make.

Back over the weather (instead of under the weather)

Due to some testing, I had to go off my gluten-free diet, and honestly, at one point, I was convinced I may die. But I am back on it (man am I ever glad to see a gluten-free item!!) and looking forward to creating some really interesting gluten-free meals for myself and sharing them with you. So, new week and hopefully I’ll have some new posts for you to read.

Oh I also was told to avoid acidic foods and drinks (ha like that is really going to happen), so in an effort to keep coffee in my life, I found some low acidic coffee that I’m going to try. It’s on its way, so I’ll give you a review when it arrives. Hopefully, I won’t have to give up my beloved coffee. It seems sacrilege not to have coffee in my life.